Johnson and Johnson, the world’s largest manufacturer of personal hygiene products, is set to release its next big product line. No, not a new invisible bandage or a tooth brush that uses supersonic nuclear power. A cell phone. Sounds a bit out of place, but that’s what they said about Apple’s iPhone.

The “J and J 600″ as it is called, will be carried exclusively through Alltel Wireless. The device has all the features of any SmartPhone on the market today with a few added bonuses. This phone runs off of an exclusive OS, based from the old Apple OS 7. It will feature web-browsing, email, as well as the latest call features on the market.

You don’t see the difference until you start using the device. The “nerf” material side grips make it comfortable to hold and talk for long periods of time. The extra long screen makes web browsing simple. Then there are 2 buttons on the sides that are quit inventive.

On the bottom left of the phone is the “bandage dispensing” button. That’s right, with one click a standard sized Band-Aide is dispensed through a slot at the bottom of the device. The phone holds up to 22 bandages. Perfect for office paper cuts or staple accidents.

There is also a button just opposite the bandage button on the right side of the device. This is the “sanitizing hand lotion” button. When pressed, a small drop of sanitizing hand lotion is despensed. Not only does this lotion kill germs but it also can treat cuts and scrapes and leaves the skin moisturized and silky smooth.

The J and J 600 wont be available until sometime this spring. J and J is promising a full device launch briefing in April.

The industry’s leading computer software manufacturer, Microsoft, is set to unveil it automobile line this January. The software company turned auto maker signed a deal last Spring with German auto company, Saab to design an automobile that runs off a Windows operated computer.

“The car will be like any other car on the market.”, Saab VP of Engineering Claus Pokenmaschlitzen told reporters at a press conference last week. “The difference will be that it is totally computer driven.”

The car is designed to run off of a Windows based server that keeps track of speed, acceleration and weather conditions through a state-of-the-art GPS system. The “Gates Mach 5″ as it is called, will drive itself based on the information given to the mother server from the onboard Windows machine installed in the dash.

As for the logistics of it, newly appointed Microsoft VP of Auto Engineering, Jim Reeves told reporters, “The system is flawless. Imagine not having to pay attention when you drive. You can talk on your cell phone, put on makeup, eat or even read the paper on your morning commute. The Windows OS runs it all.” When asked about system crashes that could lead to potenitally sever accidents Reeves responded, “Hey man, its run by Windows. What are you talking about? It never crashes.” Reporters then asked about potential virus attacks and hacks. “I know there is some concern here but who is really interested in hacking into a system like this? We have had numerous PC viruses come and go without any real harm being done. I think we’ll be fine.”

The Mach 5 comes with all the “bells and whistles”.
• A Zune music player built in.
• Coffee holders that stay hot or cold.
• A non-slip-self-cleaning tray for doughnuts.
• An in-car Bluetooth headset adapter.
• A laptop compartment with USB connectivity.
• In dash DVD player fully loaded with Star Wars and Lord of the Rings DVD’s
• plus many more features

As for the general public’s view, you can test drive one yourself in August of 2009. They are going to be carried on all Saab and BMW lots.

In response, Apple is said to be working on a scooter called the Mo-Pod. It isn’t as fancy but runs off of the Unix based Mac OSX system for safety. It also gets 150 MPG, though is expected to cost double the sticker price of the Mach 5.

The annual Ohio State vs Michigan football luncheon came to an abrubt end this past Wednesday on the OSU campus. The lencheon was held at the Fawcett Center on Ohio State’s campus to try and get the two teams together to promote good sportsmanship.

The luncheon was going well as retired Columbus Sports anchor Jimmy Crumb was giving his speach. Suddenly an argument was overheard coming from the coaches’ table. One person reported hearing Michigan coach Lloyd Carr say to OSU coach Jim Tressel, “Come on four eyes, I can take your sweatervest-wearing-candy-apple ass anyday.” After this comment was said, Carr reportedly threw a glass of water in Tressel’s face and thumbed his nose at him.

Tressel was reportedly not responding until the water was thrown. After this, Tressel was reported as saying, “Fine you cryin-to-the-refs-no-good-1and4 old fart, you want to tap dance? Lets go, we’ll settle this like men.”

At this point both teams were gathered around the table as Tressel rolled up his sleave and set his elbow on the table. Carr repeated Tresssel’s actions and the arm wrestling match began.

It didn’t last long. Carr huffed and puffed, turning red as Troy Smith’s jersey. Mario Manningham, Michigan’s star wide receiver told reporters, “I’d never seen dat man work so hard. It’s like he be havin a heart attack or an anusrism or some shit like dat.”

Tressel in the meantime barely broke a sweat. He looked calm and even smiled for reporters’ pictures.

After Tressel won the match, things settled down. The luncheon continued while Carr looked dejected and barely was able to breathe. Lets hope an event like this doesn’t occure next year and that the players can settle things on the field this Saturday.

Now that the midterm elections are over, lets’ all congratulate the Democratic Party for their win. They ran a great campaign based on the strategy that everything wrong in the world is the fault of the Republicans and we can fix everything… we’re just not going to say how.

That’s right, now that the Democrats rule the House and have a larger share of the Senate the world will be a better place. The war in Iraq will stop and Iraq will become a stable friendly soverign country. Energy costs will drastically decrease as will our taxes. Gasoline will now drop below .35 cents per gallon. The war on terror will stop and terrorists will lay aside their plans for US destruction as well as their hatred for the US. World hunger will be a thing of the past. Guns and gun-related crimes will be eliminated and be replaced with peach scented flowers and warm cuddly hugs.

Yes my friends, this world is gonna change. It will be a better place to live. The sun will shine brighter and longer each day. To the Democrats I salute you, not a military salute of course but more of a tap-to-the-forehead-and-a-smile sort of salute. To the Republicans I say, too bad. If you listen to the media it’s amazing that the Republicans didnt let the earth fall into days of eternal darkness and get swallowed up by a blackhole killing all life as we know it.

But hopefully we can all come together and run the country with a smile and a wink.

The latest computer virus, wowzers.a, has now been targeted as the cause of the newest flu-like viral outbreak in western Europe. The PC virus first showed up in Denmark last August. It has since spread to more than 15 countries throughout Europe and Asia.

The virus acts as a screensaver that runs in the background of any Windows based PC. The user can’t get rid of the screen or virus. Your PC remains fully functional. However, as of mid October several people have been reported as being “sick” from viewing the screen too long.

The screen’s motion and odd color pattern cause the eye to stay open exposing the tear duct to all sorts of bacterial and viral infections. The person starts feeling sick up to 2 days after the virus infects their system.

A Russian doctor, Dr. Christian Shivago, ran extensive tests on his patients that became ill. Dr. Shivago reported that in all 12 cases he examined, each person viewed the infected screen for less that 1 hour per day. “The eye is a very sensitive organ. When exposing this organ to intrusions, you are only setting yourself up for diseases and complications.”

The US CDC has recommended that all US PC users be very careful when using an infected computer. They should keep some eye drops or other lubricant handy at all times. They also recommend buying a Mac in order to stay safe.

Lynn Swann, former ABC analyist and football player, announced today his intentions to run for preseident in 2008. He will be running as the representative from the small independent party of SAWWTOP(Sports Announcers Who Want To be President).

He will be running with fellow analyist, Brent Musberger. When asked about his choice for running mate Swann responded, “Sure I could have picked a more knowledgeable sports announcer such as Kirk Herbstreit or Chris Fowler, but I felt Brent knew more about politics and was a very one-sided figure. My second choice was Lee Corso but he told me to forget about it!”

Their platform is said to be one that will include women’s rights, anti-fish cruelty, farm animal labour laws and all ESPN channels to be broadcast in all areas.

Musberger was quoted as saying, “Sure I should be up for ppresident and not Vice President. That dumb son-of-a-bitch has nothing on me! But the people seem to like him better so for now I’ll let him lead. But later, when he least expects it I’ll take over and rule the world!”

Swann ,when asked about Musberger’s comments responded, “That old coot can say what he will, I never really liked him anyways. I just choose him because he is shady as hell and will be easy to setup to take a fall if need be.”

This should prove to be an intresting race in 08.

Sources close to the National Democratic Party have claimed today that they have documented proof that the Bush family oil company (Arbusto Energy) was drilling for oil just off Pulau Senang, a small island in the Main Straight of Singapore.

The rig apparently hit a crack in the main fault line running throughout Southeast Asia. The company had been drilling the area for just over 2 years. The US Geological Society had written a statement to the company as well as President Bush warning of the fault line in the area. The President was quoted as responding, “Meh… no big deal.”. The drilling continued and the fault was cracked.

The shockwave was sent through the ocean floor causing the Tsunami. Both Arbusto Energy and President Bush had no comment when asked for an official comment on the report.